Things Not to Do In Twilight
by ForeverKitty
Summary: My two OCs Elisabeth and Natalie in Twilight. With Elisabeth the newest member of the Cullen family and Natalie in love with a werewolf, things are going to get crazy around here...And lots of rules will be broken.
1. Chapter 1

**So I thought this would be fun….so here it is! **

**OCs**

**Elisabeth Annabel Carter~Recent vampire newborn. Mate of Jasper Hale. Engaged to him.**

**Natalie Jessica Carter~Human. Imprint of Paul Lahote. Elisabeth's sister, isn't sure how she feels about her sister becoming a vampire. Is friends with Emmett though, as they both enjoy causing trouble. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. **

1) Natalie, Emmett, and Elisabeth: Do not paint Edward's Volvo pink and sprinkle flowers on it, telling him to embrace his feminine side.

2) NATALIE IF YOU EVER VOLUNTEER JASPER AT A BLOOD DRIVE AGAIN…

3) Jasper do not make Edward lust after Jessica Stanley ever again. I don't care how funny/impressed Elisabeth was.

4) Elisabeth and Rosalie, why on earth did you think taking Jasper into a museum honoring the Union would be a good idea?

5) Jasper do not think of those weird, creepy, and more than slightly perverted images of Elisabeth every single time you are around Edward.

6) Alice and Elisabeth: Do not redecorate Edward's room so it is all girly and fluffy.

7) Jasper, Alice, Elisabeth, and Emmett: Do not sing "Who Let the Dogs Out" every time Paul/Jacob/any werewolf at all is around. This will not end well.

8) Natalie stop speaking to Jasper in a southern accent.

9) Natalie do not walk into the Cullen house wearing garlic. We do not care if Embry said he would give you $20 to do this.

10) Elisabeth please do not show Edward slash fanfics of him and Jacob. This will not end well.

11) Natalie throwing holy water at Edward and screaming the power of Christ compels you to isn't funny.

12) Natalie running around the house waving a Union flag in Jasper's face saying "we won and you lost you racist jerk" is not funny nor is it a constructive use of time.

13) Natalie singing "How do you Solve a Problem Like Maria" in front of Jasper will only get your head ripped off. Paul hates us enough already.

14) Emmett and Natalie do not give Edward antidepressants

15) No the werewolves will not make La Push into a casino

16) Natalie throwing crosses at any of the Cullens isn't funny.

17) Natalie is not a vampire hunter even if she does have a crossbow.

18) She cannot shoot said crossbow at the Cullens

19) Elisabeth, Jacob is not Wolverine, and Edward is not Jean Gray. We are vampires, not the X-Men.

20) The song "99 Bottles of blood on the Wall" is now banned for all eternity.

21) Elisabeth and Jasper please stop shooting silver bullets at the werewolves.

22) Emmett you are not Harry Potter. I don't care if the entire elementary school thinks you are.

23) Toasters are not meant to be used as catapults, even if they did send the toast flying really far with a few modifications.

24) No one can run around the house/the school/Forks yelling "Help, it's the end of the world, Rosalie lost her hairbrush."

25) Elisabeth, Jasper and Rosalie cannot buy shock collars for the werewolves

26) Emmett and Natalie….Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not call Texans a bunch of hicks in front of Jasper.

27) Fireworks may have pretty colors, but pretty colors have consequences when set off in the police department.

28) JASPER IS NOT GAY. Whenever telling anyone this, please remember that Jasper has had A LOT of experience killing vampires, and that Elisabeth is a newborn and therefore stronger than you.

29) Voldemort is not real. Even if he was, his real name would not be Aro Volturi, Alec Volturi or Jane Volturi.

30) Because Esme shot JFK is not why the Cullens moved to Forks.

31) Matches are only to be used for lighting candles.

32) Not Esme's good tablecloth.

33) Or dynamite.

34) Emmett, Natalie, and Elisabeth cannot sing the "That's so Raven" theme song whenever Alice walks by.

35) Natalie cannot walk into the house and announce "I see dead people."

36) Nobody can wear a Team Jacob shirt around the Cullen house.

37) Emmett and Jasper cannot have staring contests. This will only end in fighting.

38) THE NEXT PERSON TO SING THAT STUPID 'BARBIE GIRL' SONG WILL BE REGARDED AS THE TREATY BETWEEN THE WEREWOLVES AND THE VAMPIRES BEING BROKEN.

39) Emmett, you cannot follow Edward around every morning before school singing "Like a Virgin"

40) Nor can Emmett run around the school in a Speedo, granny panties and a cape screaming "NANANANANANANANA EMMETT MAN!"

41) Emmett please stop stalking Jasper while alternating between extremely depressed and extremely happy.

42) Natalie, Paul, Embry and Seth are banned from ever going into Wal-Mart again.

43) Edward cannot tie-dye all of Carlisle's lab coats rainbow.

44) Emmett and Edward cannot steal Rosalie's makeup and wear it to school.

45) NO BOY IN THIS HOUSE WILL EVER WEAR PINK SKINNY JEANS AGAIN. NOT EVEN ON A DARE. OR ELSE YOU DIE.

46) Elisabeth and Jasper: On Halloween the two of you cannot walk around without a costume, and then when someone what asks what you two are scream "WE'RE VAMPIRES YOU IDIOTS!"

47) Edward cannot steal Mike Newton's clothes when Mike is in the shower at school.

48) Nor can Emmett steal the governors pants on live television.

49) Emmett cannot create his own language which is the same as English except that every word starts with the letter "K."

50) No playing with bombs in the kitchen.

51) Emmett, no standing on the table in the cafeteria singing Hannah Montana songs.

52) Edward and Emmett cannot hide in Jasper's closet and randomly jump out at him in a costume screaming "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH IQUISITION!"

53) Stop telling Jasper that the North won the war and every moment possible.

54) Emmett stop telling people that the CIA is monitoring your cell phone and laptop, even if they are. For the fourth time this decade.

55) Natalie, Paul and Seth cannot enroll the entire Cullen family in therapy.

56) When asked a question, do not reply with "Colonel Mustard did it with the candlestick."

57) WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT THE WEREWOLVES IN WAL-MART?!

58) Paul and Jacob do not come to our house and ask "Does our being half-naked bother you?" CAUSE YEAH, IT DOES. Well, unless you're Natalie I guess.

59) Going around the hospital saying you hear voices is prohibited.

60) It is absoulutely forbidden to say that Carlisle is Sherlock Holmes.

61) Imitating either Carlisle's British accent or Jasper's Southern accent is never to happen again.

62) Don't ask Alice every five minutes what you are going to do in five minutes. Especially not you Jacob/Paul/Any member of the pack at all.

63) Starting a food fight in a mall food court will only get you banned from the mall.

64) Talking in a Translyvanian accent only makes you look like an idiot.

65) Never purchase a gun and shoot each other for the fun of it.

66) Banning _Pretty Little Liars_ from the TV only serves to tick off Alice, Rosalie, Elisabeth and Bella.

67) Do not rearrange the furniture claiming you are doing Feng Shui when really you are doing it to piss Esme off.

68) No more blonde jokes.

69) Natalie quit humming the Jaws theme song every time Rosalie enters a room.

70) Whenever anyone speaks don't go "And how does that make you feel?" Jasper, this means you.

71) Never call the Volturi telling them to change their cable plan to Verizon.

72) Or that they won the lottery.

73) Every single time a teacher says that the South lost the war, do not give them the finger. Jasper, once again, THIS MEANS YOU.

74) Our house is not "Emmett and Jasper's Evil Lair"

75) Emmett, stop playing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" over and over again on Edward's piano. We don't care that it's the only song you know.

76) Edward do not dress up as a pirate and claim you are Captain Jack Sparrow.

77) Don't let Emmett, Alice, Elisabeth or Rosalie shop on Amazon, Ebay, or any other web site without supervision.

78) Never again write a letter to the President claiming you know the secret to Area 51, as now the CIA is monitoring ALL of our laptops and phones instead of just Emmett's as usual.

79) Saying 'awkward silence' every time everyone is quiet only ticks everyone off, PAUL.

80) No more playing paintball inside the house.

81) Singing High School Musical songs must never happen again.

82) Emmett, La La Land does not exist, it's a song, and Alice is not the President of it.

83) Emmett, do not randomly burst out singing "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift ever again.

84) Do not pretend you are 007 and talk in a British accent. Also, do not buy a gun.

85) When Rosalie bends over don't scream "MY EYES ARE BURNING MAKE IT STOP!" Jacob and Paul.

86) Don't sigh Leah Clearwater up for eHarmony.

87) Jasper, Emmett, Alice, Jacob, Elisabeth and Natalie: Do not sing "I Know A Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves" in your heads over and over again whenever Edward is around.

88) Do not use the automatic correction in Microsoft Word so when you type in Rosalie it changes too "Queen of the damned" or "She who must not be named."

89) Natalie and Paul, do not paint Carlisle's office pink and blame it on Jasper.

90) Rosalie, Elisabeth, Jasper and Emmett: Do not dye Carlisle's hair pink while he is sleeping.

91) Rosalie do not spray the wolves with a hose when they are in wolf form and then complain because they smell like wet dogs.

92) No trying to sell Jacob on Ebay.

93) Or Paul.

94) Or Leah.

95) Okay, maybe Leah.

96) No stealing werewolves clothing even if Natalie bribed you too.

97) No using your power to send sleep waves towards Jessica Stanley for anything involving hot pink hair dye. Jasper.

98) No declaring every Tuesday to be "National Irritate the Heck Out of the Werewolves Day."

99) Or, if you are a werewolf, no declaring every Wednesday to be "Irritate the Heck out of the Leeches Day"

100) Do not ever again set "Like a Virgin" to Edward's ringtone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

**Yep I am making a story about this, and I hope to do all the rules.**

**Rule 1: Natalie, Emmett, and Elisabeth: Do not paint Edward's Volvo pink and sprinkle flowers on it, telling him to embrace his feminine side.**

**Natalie POV**

"So is that it, or do you think we need another coat of spray paint?" I ask Emmett and Elisabeth.

Emmett walks around the entire car a couple times, then says "I think it's good. Did you bring the flowers?"

I nod. "I got roses, violets, pansies, and a few daffodils. You are paying me back for this, right?"

Elisabeth nods. "Of course we are, silly."

Emmett grins. "Time to go."

So then begins the random sprinkling of flowers everywhere.

"Ring around the rosie, a pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down…" Emmett sings as he throws some pansies onto the hood.

I snicker from the spot where I am taping roses to the door of the passenger side.

Elisabeth is currently putting violets on the other side.

Two seconds later, I start singing "Trolololololololol…."

Then we all burst out laughing.

***One hour later***

**"**MY CAR! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY CAR?!"

All three of us walk down the stairs laughing so hard I have to lean on Elisabeth to keep standing.

I giggle. "Oh, come on Eddie! Embrace your feminine side!"

"WHAT?!"

We all do the normal things we do when we get in trouble.

Elisabeth: "JASPER HELP HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME!"

Emmett: "OH YEAH, YOU WANNA GO? WELL I'M STRONGER THAN YOU AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!"

Me: "You can't kill me. Killing an imprint would start a war."

**Sorry that this one wasn't that funny, but I will try to make them a little better. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Jee, who would of thought?**

**Oh, and I decided that I should give Elisabeth her own vampire ability so I decided to give her memory manipulation-taking out certain memories, putting other ones in. She can't read specific thoughts, and not ones in the present, she just can just see memories. Which, considering some of the stuff that's gonna happen, is gonna be needed. So, now that's done, on to the story!**

**Elisabeth POV**

**Rule 2: NATALIE IF YOU EVER VOLUNTEER JASPER AT A BLOOD DRIVE AGAIN…**

" Oh God, I hope she's okay." I whisper as I speed the car almost as fast as we can go. Natalie called me saying that it was an emergency and to meet her at the church.

"She'll be fine, love." Jasper says next to me. "Paul wouldn't let anything happen to her. You don't have to rush to her rescue all the time."

"She's done the same for me enough times. Now I'm the stronger one, Jas. I owe her this."

"Elisabeth-

We pull up to the church and I'm out in two seconds. We rush through the doors.

I'm almost immediately hit by the scent of blood. I cover my mouth and nose, and pray I can stop from becoming a raging homicidal Jack-the-Ripper style vampire.

Natalie walks up to me. "Oh, damn! You're here too! I thought you said you had to give Jasper your phone because he gave his to Emmett because for reasons unknown to all of us normal people, Emmett threw his phone in the lake. Come on sis, I better get you out of here, Leah would just LOVE to see you become a maniac."

"Natalie, WHAT. THE. HECK. DID. YOU. DO."

"You WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! Elisabeth, seriously, YOU NEED TO GET OUT."

"NATALIE!"

"Okay, so Jasper and Rosalie may or may not have called Emily a bitch last week and we may or may not have come up with this as a revenge plan….Okay, so it was technically more Rosalie then Jasper, but he was standing there at the time, but still…"

Several people begin screaming.

Jasper has apparently gotten in here at around the same time I did. However, unlike him, all I can smell at this point is the stench of dog that seems absolutely determined to cling to my sister.

It takes four hours, tracking down eight people, and a hell of a lot of memory manipulation before I can finally convince everyone that nothing happened.

See if I ever do anything for my sister again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Rule 3: Elisabeth and Rosalie, why on Earth did you think taking Jasper to a museum honoring the Union would be a good idea?**

**Elisabeth POV**

"I cannot freaking believe Carlisle kicked us out of the house." Rosalie grumbles.

See, our dear adopted father thinks we have too much time on our hands, so he made us go "Do something."

"Yeah, I know right? Now what?"

"Well..." Alice says. " There was that exhibit honoring the Union at the museum the other day, but taking Jasper to THAT could be kind of dangerous…"

"Couldn't be that bad." Rosalie says.

"Guys, I'm not so sure…"

"Look, we get out of the house for an hour, we take Jasper to the damn museum, we come back and can restart our _Pretty Little Liars_ marathon again. Can't kill us."

"Once again, not so sure…"

"ALICE! Come on, what's the worst that could happen?"

Note to self: Saying that will jinx you to kingdom come. Never say that again.

"And over here, we have a bayonet believed to be used by…

It's kind of funny. Usually, I find Civil War history very interesting. This tour guide, however, has managed to make it the most boring thing since Natalie talking nonstop about how hot Paul is.

Yes, I'm prejudiced. I'm a vampire. So sue me.

"And, in an hour, we shall show you our selection of Civil War gunpowder, in a replica of a real magazine…

I'm about to turn around and ask Jasper if we could please leave when I realize that Jasper isn't there.

"Alice! Rosalie!" I whisper. "Where's Jasper?!"

"Not sure…

"I thought he was next to you…

Then Jasper comes running up to us-at least, I think it's Jasper, cause no human here looks like they could run THAT fast…

Alice suddenly gets a quick five-second vision.

"GUYS, RUN!" she screams as we take off.

One day later, an article in the paper appears about how the entire bottom floor, the majority of the second floor, and all of the first floor of the Seattle Civil War Museum is trashed, and several artifacts went missing.

I also noticed a few new Civil War-looking things in Jasper's room, but I decided not to mention it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight.**

**Rule 4: Jasper do not make Edward lust after Jessica Stanley ever again. I don't care how impressed Elisabeth was.**

**Takes place in Twilight. Elisabeth is still human, she and Jasper have just started dating, and she has only recently found out about the vampire thing. Natalie knows nothing about this yet, but she has her suspicions about the Cullens. **

**Elisabeth POV**

"So, what you're saying is you can make people feel whatever you want them too?" I ask Jasper. It's so weird, this whole vampire thing.

"Yes, Lizzie. For the ninth time, yes."

"I'm sorry, it's just this is so-new, you know?"

He smiles softly. "I keep forgetting you're a newbie. It feels like we've been like this forever."

"I know."

He looks at me again, like he's getting an idea.

"Hey, do you want to see this for real? In action?"

"Emotions are kind of hard, Jas. It could just be some kind of weird hormone thing."

He looks at me like I'm crazy.

"What? We're teenagers."

"How about something that would never in a million years happen?"

"This sounds fun."

The bell rings. Damn.

"I'll show you at lunch, love. I'll see you later."

**Twilightwilightwilightwiligh twilightwilightwilight**

**At lunch**

"So, what are you going to do?" I ask. I'm kind of excited to see this.

"Wait a minute. It sometimes takes a while."

Two seconds later…

"JESSICA! MY LOVE! MY LIFE! MY EVERYTHING!" Edward screams, suddenly getting down on one knee in front of Jessica, looking up at her like she's some kind of saint.

Our entire table(And the whole cafeteria) starts laughing.

Bella looks like she's about to explode.

"I LOVE YOU!" Edward screams again. She looks thrilled that someone is paying this much attention to her, and the fact that it's pretty much the entire room paying attention to her appears to be the icing on the cake.

"JASPER!" Bella yells. "ELISABETH!"

We both suddenly stop laughing.

"What is this nonsense?"

Thank God for principals. Never thought I'd say that sentence before, but wow.

"Mr. Cullen, what in the name of God are you doing?"

"PROCLAIMING MY LOVE!"(Edward)

"JASPER! THIS HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH!" (Bella)

"Remind me-(gasp) never to(gasp) doubt you(gasp) ever(gasp) again." I say as I slowly return to normal breathing.

"Oh, believe me, love. I will."


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight, I would be a heck of a lot richer then I currently am. **

**Rule 71: Do not call the Volturi telling them to change their cable plan to Verizon.**

**Elisabeth POV**

"Just remember, HIT STAR-69!"

"Hee hee. Alice said 69."

"Oh, be quiet, Emmett."

"That's the worst you can do, Edward? Geez, you need to go to Comebacks 101."

"Look Emmett," I sigh. " We're taking a risk with this as it is. Just hit the untraceable call button."

"They're the VOLTURI. You really think they can't trace it?"

"Well, WHY THE FUCK ARE WE PRANK CALLING THEM THEN?!"

"Because it's the only way we can troll them without breaking one of their laws."

Jasper sighs. "You do realize, that after we do this, they're just going to make up a law that says that vampires can't prank call them?"

"Yes, but it'll be incredibly funny when on that list of laws it suddenly says that you can't prank call them. You know? Don't stand in the middle of the sun in all your glittery glory, don't mass-murder the humans, and don't prank call the rulers of vampire society."

"Can Jane's powers work over a phone?" I ask.

"Good point, we really should have tested that first." Jasper says.

"I don't think so." Alice replies.

"You don't think so? Well, when I'm writhing on the floor in pain, I'll let you know." Emmett grumbles.

"Well, if you're going to chicken out, I'LL make the call." Rosalie snaps.

"I'm not chickening out! I'm dialing them right now!"

"HIT STAR-69!"

"HAHAHAHA YOU SAID 69!"

"EMMETT!" We all yell at once.

Jasper grabs the phone from him, hits star-69, and hands it back. "Continue."

"You guys all know the script, right?"

"Yes."

"Yeah."

"Uh-huh."

"Sure."

"Yep."

"Okay. It's ringing-it's ringing-

"Put it on speaker!"

Somebody picks up the phone. "Hello, may I help you?"

"Hi, this is Verizon calling. Have you had problems with your cable recently? Not taping _NCIS_ like it's supposed to? Charging you way too much for crappy TV?" Emmett begins, in a perfect imitation of a guy on an infomercial. He passes the phone to Alice.

"Well, change your plan to Verizon and we can solve all of that! Cheaper cable, more channels-let's hear from some satisfied customers!" She says, sounding as perky as usual. She passes the phone to me.

"Verizon saved my life! Now I can watch as much _Pretty Little Liars _as I want! _Once Upon a Time,_ too!" I practically shove the phone at Rosalie before I bury my face in a pillow so I don't burst out laughing.

In a really ditzy voice, she adds " All the reality TV shows I want! I haven't missed a single episode of _Keeping Up With the Kardashians _ever since I switched! Thanks, Verizon!" She tosses the phone to Jasper, who gives us all 'I can't believe you're making me do this' looks and says into the phone,

"It let's me get all my favorite movies! This cable is my precioussssss…" he hisses. Who would of thought, he imitates Gollum really, really well.

Jasper throws the phone back to Edward, who says, in that voice at the end of the commercials where they're shoving everything into the last ten seconds they have, "Watching this cable may produce certain side effects such as vomiting, loss of bladder control, diarrhea, and/or death." He hangs up quickly.

We all sit there, looking at each other for a moment. Then I break the silence. "Does Verizon even sell cable?"

We don't stop laughing for at least half an hour straight.


	7. Chapter 7

**Well, I've decided I'm going to be doing the rules kind of out of order on this one, for no reason whatsoever. So if you have a request, let me know. J **

**I've also been thinking about doing a prequel to this story, kind of like I did with my other stories, so let me know if that's something you would want **

**Disclaimer: If I owned the multi-million dollar franchise that is Twilight, I would be living in Jamaica, have a flat screen TV in every room in my house, and spend a hell of a lot more time on . As none of these are true, I must conclude that I do not own Twilight.**

**Rule 10: Elisabeth please do not show Edward slash fanfics of him and Jacob. This will not end well.**

**Elisabeth POV**

This is honestly the best day of my life.

I love the Internet.

Only on the Internet could you find something like this.

Okay, so I may or may not be scarred for life from reading this stuff, but the amount of hilarity in this makes up for it.

I have discovered fan fiction.

And okay, so it does really, really tick me off the things they have written about Jasper being with people who are NOT ME, but if I just stick to the ones that have other people in them, life is good.

"Oh, Edward!" I sing.

"Yeah?" He says, coming in from playing the piano.

"Please read this." I say, passing him my laptop.

He looks at it for about three seconds. His face then turns green, blue, purple, bright red, orange, and a color that I'm not even sure existed up until now.

"WHO…THE HELL…WROTE THIS STUFF?!" He screams at me.

"Some chick in…Italy, I think."

"WHY DID YOU-HOW COULD YOU SHOW THIS TO ME!""

"Um….Trololololololol?" I say.

"ELISABETH!"

If looks could kill, I would have been ripped into a thousand tiny pieces and thrown into an incinerator right now.

Jasper runs in. 'Lizzie, what's going on?"

I'm laughing too hard to talk.

Edward shoves the laptop at him.

Jasper looks at it.

He turns green for a few seconds, then starts laughing his head off.

Ah, lemons-induced deliria.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!" Edward screams.

"Yeah…actually…it is." I say, finally regaining the ability to speak.

Edward looks at us. "I am going to kill you both."

Jasper finally stops laughing and steps in front of me. "I'd like to see you try."

When Esme and Carlisle get home, they find most of the house destroyed, Jasper and Edward trying to kill each other, Alice and I still laughing at another slash story we found, Rosalie yelling at us all to stop the fucking insanity, and Emmett being Emmett and yelling to Jasper and Edward, "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"

**No offense at all to any Edward/Jacob shippers, I don't mean this as a problem with slash. Especially as a lot of the pairings I ship are gay.**

**~ForeverKitty **


End file.
